Losing A Loved One Gifts

"Grief takes many forms. But don't worry, we're here to help you fill them out."

"His underwear was spotless."

'He put up a good fight to the end.'

'He would have wanted it this way.'

So far my grandfather's funeral has cost me £5,000!

'It freaks me out that you're keeping your dead mum preserved in Formalin on the mantelpiece!'

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'Behind the scenes at a crematorium.'

'I can't believe this is true - I keep thinking I'm in a cartoon.'

'Yes, thay's my late husband. I'd know his laughter anywhere.'

Cemetery: Communicated with your loved one see Madam Zolta within.

"...And you get a complimentary t-shirt."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'He was a great writer'

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

Setting out the bedding plants was one of his few remaining pleasures,

'Ol' Pete was an angler to the end.'

"I know you've been together a long time, but I'm sorry... Your microbiome can't follow you in."

'Your uncle donated his brain to Harvard and, unfortunately, they used it to figure out a way to get the rest of his money.'

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

Postcards from Heaven...

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'Grief counselling'

"So, Gilbert was your friend who fought in Vietnam?"

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

Here lies BoBo the Clown

"And now, let us view sitcom star Donnie J. Kroft's reading of his will, which was videotaped before a live studio audience."

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."