Loss Of Family Patriarch Gifts

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'He looks exactly like his father!'

'Someday, son...all this will be Mine.'

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

How human migration got started.

'He must not have been an easy man to care for. He always had an iron will. Which brings us to what he left you.'

'As you know, your father liked the sport of Boxing...'

"Well, at least you don't have to worry about inheritance tax."

"As per your father's wishes, the reading of the will shall be preceded by a tight five-minute comedy set inspired by my dating life -- or lack thereof!"

"One day Son all this will be yours."

"I could never leave this place—this is where I grew up."

"Your mother wanted you to have this for good luck. It's her foot."

"My kids may hate me, but my great-great-grandkids are going to love me."

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

"Mama, is that grandpa up in heaven?"

'Someday, son, all this will be yours...batteries not included.'

"I'm sorry but, legally, there is no way you can get divorces from your parents."

Death of the pope.

'I've lost my job, my wife and kids, the house, what the hell else could possibly go wrong?!"

"Sometimes I like to browse the men's section just to screw with the patriarchy."

"It's gonna be tough trying to fill your pa's boots, Jake."

"I'm really proud of my daughter. She's a thorn in the side of the patriarchy."

"Someday, barring a leveraged buy-out, a hostile takeover, or a substantial increase in estate taxes, this will all be yours."

'I'm only a consultant, but your father says that this will all be yours someday.'

"Cherish this moment, because clearly our parents are getting a divorce."

'Some day son, all this will be up for grabs.'

'We've been invited to a black tie do - your mother has died, dear.'

"You treat this house like a hotel!"

'Very impressive spread, Father.' 'Son, some day this will all be yours, and hopefully, if I make all the payments and live long enough, it may even be mine... briefly.'

'My parents had the decency to die at the right age!'