Family Loss Pillows

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

Very Difficult Conversations

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'He was a great writer'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

"I know. I miss him, too."

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

Setting out the bedding plants was one of his few remaining pleasures,

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

'Your uncle donated his brain to Harvard and, unfortunately, they used it to figure out a way to get the rest of his money.'

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

Postcards from Heaven...

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'I wish these wings were for more than show.'

"So, Gilbert was your friend who fought in Vietnam?"

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

'Grief counselling'

Broken Heart

Here lies BoBo the Clown

"You'll be able to talk to your husband. I have video conferencing."

"Sorry, wrong room."

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."

"And now, let us view sitcom star Donnie J. Kroft's reading of his will, which was videotaped before a live studio audience."

"What? Too soon?"

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

Warring parents

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."