Ex-lawyer Gifts

'Ex lawyer, will work for millions.'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Happy Retirement

"And this is Helen, my wife by a previous marriage."

'Where Are They Now?'

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

'It was a very strange divorce — the judge got custody of my wife.'

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"So I gave her the 2-diamond love-and-BFFF ring and she grave me a big kiss, sold it, and went on a cruise. That's bad, right?!"

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

Parson and abandoned husband

"I have been happily married... three times!"

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"People Change"