Ex-cop Gifts

"They're going to make it tough for you around here when they find out you used to be a cop."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I knew we'd eventually catch him. He can't run and run as fast as he once did."

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

'Where Are They Now?'

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

"So I gave her the 2-diamond love-and-BFFF ring and she grave me a big kiss, sold it, and went on a cruise. That's bad, right?!"

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

"When I grow up I'm going to be a police officer and follow in my dad's footsteps."

Undercover Biophysicists

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

Parson and abandoned husband

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'