Ex-cop Gifts

"They're going to make it tough for you around here when they find out you used to be a cop."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

'Where Are They Now?'

'It was a very strange divorce — the judge got custody of my wife.'

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

Parson and abandoned husband

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"I have been happily married... three times!"

Undercover Biophysicists

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"When I grow up I'm going to be a police officer and follow in my dad's footsteps."

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"So I gave her the 2-diamond love-and-BFFF ring and she grave me a big kiss, sold it, and went on a cruise. That's bad, right?!"

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."