Ex-convict Gifts

"Gee, but I miss the heightened eroticism of those five and a half years of conjugal visits."

'Wilson's back in the work force, and apparently not too humbled by his prison term.'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"And this is Helen, my wife by a previous marriage."

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

'Where Are They Now?'

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

'And do you, James, believe you deserved that beating Annie gave you for inviting your ex-girlfriend to the wedding.'

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

"I have been happily married... three times!"

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

'She broke up with me because I'm a stray and, thus, always have fleas!'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

'It was a very strange divorce — the judge got custody of my wife.'

Parson and abandoned husband

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"So I gave her the 2-diamond love-and-BFFF ring and she grave me a big kiss, sold it, and went on a cruise. That's bad, right?!"

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."