Ex-husband Gifts

"Don't think of it as divorce, Henry. Think of it as freedom...the next time you cheat on me with your secretary, it won't be cheating anymore."

'He used to be my heart-throb, now he just gives me palpitations'

Divorce Court

'Don't feel bad - some guys lose everything.'

She left Friday. He noticed Tuesday, when all the clean towels ran out.

'Bye now --pay later.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"I never take no for an answer. As a result, I've been married 27 times."

'My ex-wife and I have only one thing in common. We both want my money.'

'Ok, you have the bowl and I'll take the water!'

"I used to love the view too... until my ex-wife moved into the apartment over there!"

'She got custody of the cave, the wheel, and the fire!'

'And I thought she was high maintenance when we were married.'

'Why do I get the feeling my divorce is final?' (Motorbike has been cut in half).

"Since we don't have children, my ex turned the cats against me."

"The worst part was her victory dance!"

"Oh, darling, whatever happens- ever- I know I'm probably always going to remember this as one of my happiest marriages."

Divorce Attorney,

'I just ran into your first wife downtown -- she makes a lot of sense.'

"Help! My ex-wife... she shot me! It's just a tranquilizer dart, but it's the principle of the thing."

Pay and display - have you paid?

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'Welcome to hell...and here to make you feel at home, is your ex-wife!'

'I thought your wife wasn't contesting the divorce.'

'At least the mess I make is all in one place'

HUSBAND FOR SALE - Am keeping the house.

'He goes without saying - usually to the pub' (woman to marriage counselor)

'Okay, then I get the Corvette ... '

"The judge gave my wife everything in our divorce."

'I want to talk with you, Henry, about you and me, formerly known as 'Us'.'

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

'Before you decide where you'd like to live, look who's setting up shop in my living room.'

'Ferguson takes pride in naming hurricanes after his ex-wives.'

Lifting weights at the health club.

'It reminds me of my ex-husband. He suffered from mood swings.'