Ex-wife Gifts

'He used to be my heart-throb, now he just gives me palpitations'

Divorce Court

'My ex husband's last heart attack.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

'Bye now --pay later.'

'Ok, you have the bowl and I'll take the water!'

"Since we don't have children, my ex turned the cats against me."

"On your left, you'll see the apartment where my ex-wife tore my heart out, stepped on it, and flushed it down the toilet. Also a deli."

"The worst part was her victory dance!"

'She got custody of the cave, the wheel, and the fire!'

'You CAN change a man, but then they divorce you, remarry and the new wife reaps all the benefits.'

'Why do I get the feeling my divorce is final?' (Motorbike has been cut in half).

'And I thought she was high maintenance when we were married.'

'I want to talk with you, Henry, about you and me, formerly known as 'Us'.'

"Oh, darling, whatever happens- ever- I know I'm probably always going to remember this as one of my happiest marriages."

'My wife evolved into a land-dweller with another fish!'

"The only dancing my husband ever did was sidestepping responsibility."

"I know you have no kids, but she still gets child support for her inner child."

'I just ran into your first wife downtown -- she makes a lot of sense.'

'I thought I'd found Mr Right - instead, he's Mr Always Bloody Right'

'I thought your wife wasn't contesting the divorce.'

'Before you decide where you'd like to live, look who's setting up shop in my living room.'

'I threatened to stay and he upped my alimony!'

'Welcome to hell...and here to make you feel at home, is your ex-wife!'

"Three. How many times you been married?"

'Okay, then I get the Corvette ... '

Pay and display - have you paid?

Call your lawyer.

"My ex husband could always make me laugh. Especially when he brought home his paycheck."

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

Lifting weights at the health club.

"Help! My ex-wife... she shot me! It's just a tranquilizer dart, but it's the principle of the thing."

'Ferguson takes pride in naming hurricanes after his ex-wives.'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'At least the mess I make is all in one place'