Previous Marriage Gifts

"I have two children from a previous Las Vegas off-site meeting."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It was romantic during dinner, but now it's getting kind of creepy."

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Couple who have confused their baby's pram and the lawn mower.

Before pagers,mobile phones and the internet.

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

What an afternoon. Rudy, listen to me. It didn't mean anything. You can't play Xbox 360 all afternoon with a guy and pretend it means nothing. I was drunk! You loved it - all of it. The racing and arcade games, the first-person shooters, but especially ... No ... WWF Wrestling Smackdown. I'm a married woman!

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"This could be the marriage all our other marriages were for!"

"Well, your feng shui isn't my feng shui."

"And this is Helen, my wife by a previous marriage."

'What makes you think I want a trophy wife?'

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

'Where Are They Now?'

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

"Sure, I'd get married again, but who wants a she-wolf with two adopted children?"

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

'They were going to get married when they were young, but he kept forgetting the wedding date!'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'