Previous Marriage Gifts

"I have two children from a previous Las Vegas off-site meeting."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"It was romantic during dinner, but now it's getting kind of creepy."

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Before pagers,mobile phones and the internet.

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

Couple who have confused their baby's pram and the lawn mower.

"And this is Helen, my wife by a previous marriage."

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

"This could be the marriage all our other marriages were for!"

'Where Are They Now?'

"Well, your feng shui isn't my feng shui."

'What makes you think I want a trophy wife?'

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

'They were going to get married when they were young, but he kept forgetting the wedding date!'

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"Sure, I'd get married again, but who wants a she-wolf with two adopted children?"

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."