Ex-spouse Gifts

'...and seven years ago I donated one of my kidneys to him. I want it back.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'Be quiet, I'm trying to tell you that I don't love you anymore, and the marriage is off!'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

"Oh, that - that's the hard drive from my first marriage."

"But won't you at least stay long enough to insure a smooth transition to your successor?"

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

'Your divorce was so mature, balanced, rational...you want to throw that all away with a reconciliation?'

'It's another get-well card from your ex-wife. I never realized how many words rhymed with alimony.'

'Great news, honey-bunny. My divorce finally came through, and I got the kids.'

'It looks as if they want an out of court settlement.'

The divorce settlement came through before the sale.

"It's time to split the Hosta funkia!"

"I'm hoping to buy back everything I lost in the divorce at the garage sale she's having."

He'd often look back and wonder what went wrong. She'd catch him sometimes and call the police.

'I'm tired of wading around in the shallow end of the gene pool.'

'Tunnel of divorce'

'After our divorce, will you marry me?'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

"Whoever she runs to wins custody."

"Your ex asked you to remarry him?!!! You're not considering it, are you???" "Oh, heavens no! I know he's only after me for his money!!!"

"You had me at goodbye."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"I filed for divorce on the grounds of mental exhaustion."

"My wife! Her new husband!"

"It's pro-active, Stan. I'm leaving you before you become a midlife male sleazeball creep."

"He sounds like a classic first husband."

"The woman at this end is my current ex-wife."

"Things change, people grow apart, but life goes on."

"An 'Irish divorce' doesn't have quite the same ring to it as a 'Mexican divorce'."

"Howard is my second husband once removed."

"'Vengeance is ours,' saith Courtland, Mumford & Blaine."

"I blame government,labor, business and my ex-wife."