Ex-spouse Pillows

'...and seven years ago I donated one of my kidneys to him. I want it back.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'Be quiet, I'm trying to tell you that I don't love you anymore, and the marriage is off!'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'Your divorce was so mature, balanced, rational...you want to throw that all away with a reconciliation?'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

"But won't you at least stay long enough to insure a smooth transition to your successor?"

"Oh, that - that's the hard drive from my first marriage."

The divorce settlement came through before the sale.

'Great news, honey-bunny. My divorce finally came through, and I got the kids.'

'It's another get-well card from your ex-wife. I never realized how many words rhymed with alimony.'

'It looks as if they want an out of court settlement.'

"Whoever she runs to wins custody."

'I'm tired of wading around in the shallow end of the gene pool.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"I'm hoping to buy back everything I lost in the divorce at the garage sale she's having."

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

'After our divorce, will you marry me?'

'Tunnel of divorce'

He'd often look back and wonder what went wrong. She'd catch him sometimes and call the police.

"It's time to split the Hosta funkia!"

"Michael. ... That's my sleazeball of an ex-husband's name."

"I'm divorcing you George, didn't you see my Facebook update?"

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

"I hope you don't mind. I used the same recipe that made me crazy enough to marry my first wife."

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"It's through our attorneys, but at least we're talking."

"Just a signature and my alimony check."

"I filed for divorce on the grounds of mental exhaustion."

"My wife! Her new husband!"

"Howard is my second husband once removed."

"An 'Irish divorce' doesn't have quite the same ring to it as a 'Mexican divorce'."

"Things change, people grow apart, but life goes on."