Ex-relationship Pillows

"First Adam dumped me, then Bruno two-timed me. I'll always think of those guys as my first pair of heels."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

Love at First Sight

Speed Dating for Turtles

'It was love at first sight, although he was very pixilated and I was out of focus'

Romance

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"When you say that love is in the air, you're referring to the smells from the food trucks, right?"

On my list of outdoor pursuits I put skinny dipping way ahead of this.

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

"Mr. Right!"

I only have eyes for you

'Of course I'm on the pull - I'm a cricketer.'

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

'I'll be darned! A nipple mood ring!'

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

Relationship Warning Lights

"I know we just met, but all I got is a twenty-four-hour pass!"

Hug and Do a Chorus Line Kick.

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"You don't know me well enough to not care how I look."

"Wow, I just love the way you waddle!"

"She's just being Koi."

"Honestly, sweetheart, you're not like the others I've been out with."

"Let's fall in love and live in the subjunctive."

Love linked

"If you let down your guard, I'll walk over the moat."

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.