Soon-to-be-ex Gifts

"Shelly, sign the darn divorce papers!"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"And this is Helen, my wife by a previous marriage."

'Where Are They Now?'

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

'And do you, James, believe you deserved that beating Annie gave you for inviting your ex-girlfriend to the wedding.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"So I gave her the 2-diamond love-and-BFFF ring and she grave me a big kiss, sold it, and went on a cruise. That's bad, right?!"

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

'She broke up with me because I'm a stray and, thus, always have fleas!'

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

Parson and abandoned husband

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

'It was a very strange divorce — the judge got custody of my wife.'

Bowling. 24 Lanes. Going bowling for date night with my girlfriend as a bad idea. A split was inevitable.

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

"I have been happily married... three times!"

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'