Future Ex Gifts

Valentine Comix

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

"So a play date next Tuesday, okay? Have your people call my people to set it up."

'And do you, James, believe you deserved that beating Annie gave you for inviting your ex-girlfriend to the wedding.'

'It was so romantic. He got down on one knee, showed me the ring, and proposed--right after we exchanged credit reports.'

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

Bowling. 24 Lanes. Going bowling for date night with my girlfriend as a bad idea. A split was inevitable.

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"So I gave her the 2-diamond love-and-BFFF ring and she grave me a big kiss, sold it, and went on a cruise. That's bad, right?!"

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

'She broke up with me because I'm a stray and, thus, always have fleas!'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"People Change"

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

At the Brew-haha Comedy Club

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'Don't take it the wrong way, we could always be friends'

"I'm sorry, Jon, but Henry's perfect. Not only does he make me laugh, he makes me omelets, and he makes me come."

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

Ernie's girlfriend didn't like his birdwatching hobby. She thinks he's too consumed by it. We broke up. She flew the coop. A little birdie told me my ex believes that I'm crazy as a loon, and birdwatching is an albatross around my neck. She thinks I'm always off on a wild goose chase, and this keeps me from moving up the pecking order at my job. The breakup doesn't upset me. It's like water off a duck's back, and now I can spread my wings! Ernie is often called a "bird brain" he takes th

Squawk! The parrot goes or I go! The parrot goes or I go! Squawk!

"Love is grand... divorce is a hundred grand."