Past Lover Gifts

You're watching the Nostalgia Channel. Based on your preoccupation with the past, we assume you're no spring chicken. Based on the fact that it's the middle of the night, we assume you're an unemployed, debt-ridden insomniac. So, you can expect a lot of commercials about illness, debt consolidation and erectile dysfunction. Enjoy the show!

Before pagers,mobile phones and the internet.

'You know how I complained about him always living in the past - well, he's dead in the past.'

"The good old days of eating the washing off the line are all gone methinks: The farmer has bought an electric dryer..."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"10th Anniversary Woodstock Reunion'

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

Fossil record player.

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Colonial Larrysburg.

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

"This woman's lib is getting beyond a joke!"

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Where Are They Now?'

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

"D'you remember caramel before it all became 'salted?'"

"And this is Helen, my wife by a previous marriage."

'Each one is signed and numbered.'

Groovy Baby

'And do you, James, believe you deserved that beating Annie gave you for inviting your ex-girlfriend to the wedding.'

"You must be patient, Mrs. Wast fall. Rome wasn't built in a day, you know."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'