Former Crush Gifts

"Believe me, I didn't amass a billion dollar fortune just to impress you. But... it does, right?"

"I don't know why you always have to choose the same hide-and-go-seek hiding spot that I do, Tommy!"

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

Before pagers,mobile phones and the internet.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

'Remember me, Fred? I sat next to you in class and you said I'd never amount to anything.'

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

"Well, I've come this close to asking out Sylvia Sanchez. But I'm just an average guy! Nothing about me says 'I'm cool! Look at me!'"

Playground reputation.

'Wanna see my tadpole collection?'

'And do you, James, believe you deserved that beating Annie gave you for inviting your ex-girlfriend to the wedding.'

'She broke up with me because I'm a stray and, thus, always have fleas!'

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"So I gave her the 2-diamond love-and-BFFF ring and she grave me a big kiss, sold it, and went on a cruise. That's bad, right?!"

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

"People Change"

Revenge Graffiti.

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

"I'm not a vindictive person, Charles. When your chickens do come home to roost I hope they're free range chickens."

'Your ex is calling. Her investment club bought 51 of the company, and you're fired!'

'Don't take it the wrong way, we could always be friends'