Past Lives Gifts

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Jurassic Parking Lot

"Frankly, I can't wait until I evolve into a bird..."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'You know what they say...live fast, die young and leave a great fossil.'

"Of course it's not clean energy -- We don't have clean ANYTHING!"

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

'What distinguishes man from the lower animals is the ability to make tools.'

Before pagers,mobile phones and the internet.

Colonial Larrysburg.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Take that mammoth back. It's not 'wooly' enough."

"Say, Honey, how about a nice salad for supper instead?"

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

"And this is Helen, my wife by a previous marriage."

'Sorry about this, but I really need a rug for my bachelor pad.'

Sober Tooth Tiger

"This was probably an early Father's Day gift."

"And you'll be a man my son!"

Parson and abandoned husband

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

'How's that, Umpire?'

"You spoil those pterodactyls!"

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'It was a very strange divorce — the judge got custody of my wife.'

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

'Put that down your fool! It's a bone of contention.'

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."

'Your ex is calling. Her investment club bought 51 of the company, and you're fired!'

"Has he had all his shots"

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

Revenge Graffiti.