Ex-convict Reintegration Gifts

"His term was up two months ago- he can't find an apartment."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Where Are They Now?'

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"...Then she took the divorce settlement money...and set up a company that's putting me out of business."

"Mr. Caldwell comes to us from a minimum-security correctional facility in Pennsylvania."

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

"I'm diagnosing selfie-steem issues."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

'When they announced a 'ladies excuse-me' my bird said 'excuse me' and left'

"I don't see what you see in him."

"As a matter of fact, yes, it was an amicable divorce."

"Ok, now can you read this text from my ex-wife? Because I'm scared to."

"Who would've thought Ms. Marcus had so little sense of humor?"

Ask Sadie is back. You're on, caller. What's your problem? My wife finally answered my emails. She wants me back. She says she's sorry she left me for her personal trainer. She said making mad, passionate love to him has become unfulfilling. She said she's tired of the excitement, tired of his fancy house, tired of the lavish trips around the world, and tired of him not snoring like a jackhammer, like I always do. Let go and move on, you ninny!!! She said she's especially tired of his ability to

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

'Oh, we've met. We were once married to one another.'

'Muriel and I were like two ships passing in the night -- I was boarded, plundered, and scuttled!'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

'After our divorce, will you marry me?'

"Michael. ... That's my sleazeball of an ex-husband's name."

'On TV they play dramatic music as the contestants enter the ring'

'My first wife said I was ignorant. My second said I bragged too much. My third said I was conceited. And so it is that my self-knowledge just keeps growing and growing.'

"An 'Irish divorce' doesn't have quite the same ring to it as a 'Mexican divorce'."

"I met my husband in this bar... well, ex-husband...well, my ex-husband who's my current boyfriend. It's complicated."

"As soon as I've seen my shrink you can have your rings back."

"Your ex asked you to remarry him?!!! You're not considering it, are you???" "Oh, heavens no! I know he's only after me for his money!!!"