Ex-convict Reintegration Gifts

"His term was up two months ago- he can't find an apartment."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Where Are They Now?'

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"...Then she took the divorce settlement money...and set up a company that's putting me out of business."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"I'm diagnosing selfie-steem issues."

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"Mr. Caldwell comes to us from a minimum-security correctional facility in Pennsylvania."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Ok, now can you read this text from my ex-wife? Because I'm scared to."

"As a matter of fact, yes, it was an amicable divorce."

"I don't see what you see in him."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

"Who would've thought Ms. Marcus had so little sense of humor?"

'Muriel and I were like two ships passing in the night -- I was boarded, plundered, and scuttled!'

'When they announced a 'ladies excuse-me' my bird said 'excuse me' and left'

'Oh, we've met. We were once married to one another.'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

'After our divorce, will you marry me?'

'My first wife said I was ignorant. My second said I bragged too much. My third said I was conceited. And so it is that my self-knowledge just keeps growing and growing.'

"An 'Irish divorce' doesn't have quite the same ring to it as a 'Mexican divorce'."

Car parked illegally has 'divorce attorney on call' sign in window.

"As soon as I've seen my shrink you can have your rings back."

"He sounds like a classic first husband."

'On TV they play dramatic music as the contestants enter the ring'

"Michael. ... That's my sleazeball of an ex-husband's name."

"Your ex asked you to remarry him?!!! You're not considering it, are you???" "Oh, heavens no! I know he's only after me for his money!!!"