Former Executive Gifts

Home for Retired Yes-Men.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Leadership suits you

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

Happy Retirement

'Sorry Henry, but I'm looking for something a little more permanent.'

"So a play date next Tuesday, okay? Have your people call my people to set it up."

'Remember the old days, when all of this was phallocentric?'

"I just figured she was holding all my calls. Turns out she's been running the company."

"Let me level with you. I am a lecherous, incompetent, alcoholic, overpaid, sexist senior executive. The company has put me in your way to test your countervailing potential."

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"So I gave her the 2-diamond love-and-BFFF ring and she grave me a big kiss, sold it, and went on a cruise. That's bad, right?!"

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

"People Change"

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'Your ex is calling. Her investment club bought 51 of the company, and you're fired!'

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

"Love is grand... divorce is a hundred grand."

Revenge Graffiti.

'Don't take it the wrong way, we could always be friends'

"I'm not a vindictive person, Charles. When your chickens do come home to roost I hope they're free range chickens."

Generation Ex.

Squawk! The parrot goes or I go! The parrot goes or I go! Squawk!

At the Brew-haha Comedy Club