Ex-writer Gifts

Nation of Has-Beens (and Never-Will-Bes)

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

"Bond James, Bond."

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Copycats

Bob encounters one of the bugs in the Jean Paul Sartre fan website.

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

The Ray Bradbury classic, 'The Car Alarm.'

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

Campaign for Plain English

For his next book, he would write an epic novel of the sea.

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

Torturing the English Language

Meet Stephen Krkzk Author of 'Why Conspiracy Theories Are Nonsense'

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

"When I grow up, I'm writing the Great American App."

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)