Elderly Father Gifts

Crusty old Bachelor on Christmas Day

"Unbuckle your belt, Bob."

'He's determined to get his money's worth out of it before he dies.'

Graffiti about dominoes, beer etc. Old man says: 'To deter vandals, I'm doing my own graffiti.'

"He intends to die with dignity. He desires a modest funeral, and he's determined to prevent the buzzards from getting any part of the estate."

"...And that's why I voted for Trump!"

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

Prize vegetables.

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Louis Armstrong

Killer Executive Suits.

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

The Busy Gardener

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

James Bond in a Snow Globe

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

I like the Jets...I guess

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

A Good Batch.

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'