Middle-aged Dad Gifts

'He says some time between 7 A.M. and infinity.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'I don't have time for throwing up.'

How witness protection really works...

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

"They've swapped the pub for staying in and taking their meds."

'This refrigerator isn't big enough for the both of us.'

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

Dad's home

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

"Do you think we're a storybook romance transformed into a textbook case?"

Hot flashes

'It's my biological clock.'

"Right now, I'm between naps."

"How can we be over the hill - we can't even get up it."

'I used to live for the moment, but now I'm comfortable waiting 3 to 5 business days.'

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

Sale. We need something that will meet our growing backsides.

Half-Priced Children.

'He's a lot older than she is.'

"I think formula should be bottled-up, but not your emotions."

Dance steps for the very tired.

"Face it, darling - you've reached that 'funny age...'"

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece

"Armand, which summer did we become chair people?"

'Jason and I are absolutely incompatible. We're both going through the menopause.'

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

"I've got about 3 more inches before I'm willing to get reading glasses."

"For your birthday this year I thought we'd have a pinata."

"It's going to make a crash landing in our garden - that'll make people talk!"

"No, actually. 40 is the new 60."

When bank robbers grow old...

"Unbuckle your belt, Bob."