Middle-aged Brother Gifts

How witness protection really works...

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Approaching 10,000 steps."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

'... And some primitive cultures, believed that 'the great ones' modelled us from clay.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

At the end of each day, Gary had approximately 7 minutes of free time – which left him feeling very vulnerable.

Robot Parts $5

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

Joey discovers the difference between coffee beans and jelly beans.

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Good game."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

Louis Armstrong

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Killer Executive Suits.

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

"The good old days of eating the washing off the line are all gone methinks: The farmer has bought an electric dryer..."

Larry's used art

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

"I hope you are enjoying the walk..."

"You think you can? Think again, mister. You know you can. Got that?"

'You may now turn over your paper and begin.' - 'Sir!' - 'Yes?' - 'What is it?' - 'I think Train 'A' and Train 'B' might be going to crash!'

The Busy Gardener