Middle-aged Dad Pillows

'He says some time between 7 A.M. and infinity.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'I don't have time for throwing up.'

How witness protection really works...

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"They've swapped the pub for staying in and taking their meds."

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

Dad's home

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

'This refrigerator isn't big enough for the both of us.'

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

"Do you think we're a storybook romance transformed into a textbook case?"

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

'It's my biological clock.'

"Right now, I'm between naps."

"How can we be over the hill - we can't even get up it."

'I used to live for the moment, but now I'm comfortable waiting 3 to 5 business days.'

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

Dance steps for the very tired.

'He's a lot older than she is.'

"I think formula should be bottled-up, but not your emotions."

Half-Priced Children.

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece

"Face it, darling - you've reached that 'funny age...'"

"Armand, which summer did we become chair people?"

'Jason and I are absolutely incompatible. We're both going through the menopause.'

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

"Unbuckle your belt, Bob."

"For your birthday this year I thought we'd have a pinata."

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'

When bank robbers grow old...

"I've got about 3 more inches before I'm willing to get reading glasses."

"It's going to make a crash landing in our garden - that'll make people talk!"