Middle-aged Man Pillows

"No, the camouflage doesn't make your belly look any smaller."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

How witness protection really works...

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

"Birth, bed, bath, beer, bankruptcy, bifocals, balding and beyond."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"Do you think we're a storybook romance transformed into a textbook case?"

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

"Norman still has seventies flashbacks sometimes."

"You're looking for 'Sex After Fifty'? That's in the 'fiction' department."

"Right now, I'm between naps."

'Someone told him life begins at forty. Now he's reserving his energies!'

Middle age means a constant struggle not to be irritated by everyone and everything.

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece

Internal Clock

Luke Warm & Over E-Z: The World's Blandest Rappers.

'You know you're 40 when...'

"Armand, which summer did we become chair people?"

'Jason and I are absolutely incompatible. We're both going through the menopause.'

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

"I've got about 3 more inches before I'm willing to get reading glasses."

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

"For your birthday this year I thought we'd have a pinata."

"Good news, we found a plant the cured baldness."

"No, actually. 40 is the new 60."

"You're not losing your hair Dad, it's right here in your comb."

'Look, can't you take it in turns to do the daily Sudoku?'

Ears and Nostril Shampoo.