Middle-aged Man Pillows

"No, the camouflage doesn't make your belly look any smaller."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

How witness protection really works...

Sadie, I just heard something disturbing, and I think you're the only one who can tell me whether it's true. Youtube is telling me we've lived 300 years of phantom time. Pope Gregory XIII's math was off when he created our calendar, and this is actually the year 1717. What's more, the "Middle Ages" is just a fiction the pope created to explain his rounding error. You were there, Sadie ... Did King Arthur really exist? I'll tell you all about that nice boy, as soon as I demonstrate how we dealt w

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

"Birth, bed, bath, beer, bankruptcy, bifocals, balding and beyond."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

"Do you think we're a storybook romance transformed into a textbook case?"

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

"Norman still has seventies flashbacks sometimes."

"You're looking for 'Sex After Fifty'? That's in the 'fiction' department."

"Right now, I'm between naps."

'Someone told him life begins at forty. Now he's reserving his energies!'

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece

Sale. We need something that will meet our growing backsides.

Internal Clock

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

Middle age means a constant struggle not to be irritated by everyone and everything.

Luke Warm & Over E-Z: The World's Blandest Rappers.

'You know you're 40 when...'

"Armand, which summer did we become chair people?"

'Jason and I are absolutely incompatible. We're both going through the menopause.'

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

"I've got about 3 more inches before I'm willing to get reading glasses."

"For your birthday this year I thought we'd have a pinata."

"No, actually. 40 is the new 60."

"Good news, we found a plant the cured baldness."

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

"You're not losing your hair Dad, it's right here in your comb."

Ears and Nostril Shampoo.