Middle-aged Professional Gifts

"No, actually. 40 is the new 60."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"Face it, Clive - you're bald."

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

Despite Having Given Up His Veterinary Practice George liked To Keep His Hand In...

"First I alienated the apes who'd raised me. Then there was a lot of turmoil with the colonials pulling out. Now Jane and me are semi-retired and I haven't swing through the trees in ages. Want a drink?"

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

"Do you think we're a storybook romance transformed into a textbook case?"

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

Hot flashes

"You're looking for 'Sex After Fifty'? That's in the 'fiction' department."

'It's my biological clock.'

'Someone told him life begins at forty. Now he's reserving his energies!'

'I used to live for the moment, but now I'm comfortable waiting 3 to 5 business days.'

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

Sale. We need something that will meet our growing backsides.

"What's happening to us, Bob? We used to be so issue-oriented."

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece

"Face it, darling - you've reached that 'funny age...'"

"Armand, which summer did we become chair people?"

'Jason and I are absolutely incompatible. We're both going through the menopause.'

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

IVF Slut

"Any idiot can take the rat out of the race. The trick is getting the race out of the rat!"

"Say, Flo, did you make an appointment with a lifestyle counselor?"

'Why don't you look like Jennifer Aniston, you're the same age.'

'What'd ya' think the Pope was gonna do in retirement?'

"I've got about 3 more inches before I'm willing to get reading glasses."

"For your birthday this year I thought we'd have a pinata."

'Look, can't you take it in turns to do the daily Sudoku?'

"Ah! Here it is!"