Entering Middle Age Gifts

'I used to live for the moment, but now I'm comfortable waiting 3 to 5 business days.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

Breast Height Chart

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"I'm here for the hair."

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"Put it under your pillow, and maybe you'll get a visit from the hair fairy."

David Blaine, Age 60

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"I see myself rising through the ranks of the organization until midlife, when I will most likely hit a wall and go screaming through the door."

A la recherche des cheveux perdus.

Middle age anxiety about leaving the house.

"You're looking for 'Sex After Fifty'? That's in the 'fiction' department."

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

"Do you want anything? I'm going into the kitchen to forget what I went in there for."

'It's my biological clock.'

Strange Aftertaste birthday cards.

Life begins at 60

'Someone told him life begins at forty. Now he's reserving his energies!'

"He hit the big 60 today, and now he's just drooping around the house, convinced that he can hear his arteries hardening."

'Take ten years off the top.'

'Ecce homo!'