Navigating Midlife Gifts

"Your contents have shifted."

Middle-aged guy spots an available convertible. The mating ritual begins.

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"I'm here for the hair."

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'Unfortunately, there's no cure. It's called growing older.'

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"Remember that, honey? Serious testosterone."

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"Fill'er up with testosterone."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"I see myself rising through the ranks of the organization until midlife, when I will most likely hit a wall and go screaming through the door."

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

"Still getting those hot flashes, Margaret?"

Middle age anxiety about leaving the house.

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

"You're looking for 'Sex After Fifty'? That's in the 'fiction' department."

'It's my biological clock.'

Middle Age - The Magazine For You - Yeah, You!

Strange Aftertaste birthday cards.

"I used to be innocent. Then I was naive. Now I'm just dumb."

A sign hangs from the front of the Sunnyvale Nudist Camp - 'Join Today - 100% Off!'

Stuff nervous little dogs yap about.

'How come they're making size 16 smaller these days?'

"Face it, darling - you've reached that 'funny age...'"

'I used to live for the moment, but now I'm comfortable waiting 3 to 5 business days.'

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece