Midlife Transition Gifts

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."

"Too bad hair doesn't weigh a lot, because that seems to be the only thing I'm losing."

Middle age anxiety about leaving the house.

"I'm here for the hair."

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"Things have been tough. Carol is going through the change."

"I'm having these weird dreams about medical professionals delivering babies. . ."

A Watershed Mid-Life Moment: Discovering "Relaxed-Fit" Jeans.

"They say that life begins at 40 - but so do lumbago, failing hearing, poor eyesight and constantly repeating yourself! They say..."

'It's a midlife crisis - he doesn't know anyone with a vacation home that he can mooch off.'

'Edward's at that awkward age.'

'I can't prescribe anything for his midlife crisis but I know a high school principal who'll scare him out of it.'

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

"You look good, Al, in a midlife-crisis-y sort of way."

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"I see myself rising through the ranks of the organization until midlife, when I will most likely hit a wall and go screaming through the door."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"I’ve settled comfortably into middle-age while Barry has settled comfortably into Middle Earth."

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'I refuse to relinquish the title, 'Top Young Exec'.'

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

"This car is very fast and very expensive. Just how bad is your midlife crisis?"

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

We micro-grafted all the hairs from the back of your head to the top and now we've completely covered your bald spot.'

The summer of her 39th year, Eleanor could be found most evenings on a hill (known locally as Robert's Hump) doing aerobics of her own devising.

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."