Middle Age Gifts

'Jason and I are absolutely incompatible. We're both going through the menopause.'

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

"Shhh! Minoxidil!"

"I've just realized that the hair growing out of your ears equals the amount that's receded from your head."

"For your birthday this year I thought we'd have a pinata."

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

"I can't get through a hibernation anymore without getting up every other week to pee."

"I've got about 3 more inches before I'm willing to get reading glasses."

"Sigh...I'm getting old."

'I don't understand how a cast iron stomach can expand so much.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

The 'Mystery Pain 'game

Breast Height Chart

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

"Put it under your pillow, and maybe you'll get a visit from the hair fairy."

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

'It's my biological clock.'

"Do you want anything? I'm going into the kitchen to forget what I went in there for."

"You're looking for 'Sex After Fifty'? That's in the 'fiction' department."

"Right now, I'm between naps."

'Someone told him life begins at forty. Now he's reserving his energies!'

Middle age means a constant struggle not to be irritated by everyone and everything.

"Face it, darling - you've reached that 'funny age...'"

Internal Clock

'Ecce homo!'

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

'Take ten years off the top.'

'I used to live for the moment, but now I'm comfortable waiting 3 to 5 business days.'

"What's happening to us, Bob? We used to be so issue-oriented."

'It's net weight when they're trying to catch you. After a few years it then becomes gross weight.'

"Say, Flo, did you make an appointment with a lifestyle counselor?"

"No, actually. 40 is the new 60."