Elder Parent Gifts

"Look out for the ice."

Getting older is repeating the same stories over and over.

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

Every so often, Madeline gets carried away.

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"Careful."

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

Grandpa gets more than he bargained for when his lawnmower takes flight as a helicopter would.

Toothless Meal

'I'm fighting ageing.'

"I often consult with a higher authority... my grandmother."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"My husband Frank still has all his own teeth...he keeps them in that jar over the fireplace!"

"And I got these stretch marks on my butt from sitting in the house for months back in 2020."

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"The nurse thinks she's sneaky, but I know my meds are in the peanut butter."

"I remembered that time you said you wished you had a biographer."

Dino Snack

"The Lord brings people together for reasons only he knows."

"They've swapped the pub for staying in and taking their meds."

'I'll see your Social Security Supplement and raise you Medicare and a Canadian pharmacy ID.'

'There is a fancy name for your condition...Let's just call it 86 and counting.'

'It could be hours, or it could be weeks. He's determined to hang on until he finally understands the punchline to a joke everybody else got at a cocktail party in 1947!'

What Do You Do When You're Caring For Someone with Alzheimer's?

"Well, sometimes we take the dogs for a walk...which puts our fitness level at approximately that of an 80-year-old couple."

'He won't start up on cold mornings.'

Remembering His Marbles

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!"

"I look forward to growing dead with you."

It's a wireless.