Elderly Uncle Gifts

Take Your Pills!

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

You need a new reading light

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

"I really love grandma and all, but she stinks of vape."

Four bites a second is about as fast as anyone can chew.

'Accelerate! Coffin Dodgers Crossing.'

Man's aching body makes all the noise in the library.

'I'd say that was just the thing to wear on a visit to an 80-year old uncle in Texas who's going to leave you five million dollars.'

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

'My 70th...hmmm.. that's shelter, food and sex out of the way. I guess it's time to move on to life's next challenge; mastery over my environment.'

Despite years of asking people to not wear out his name, eventually ****** was left with nothing but nubs.

Man looks at the bills of mortality in the morning paper and feels unwell

I'm beginning to regret the hearing aids.

Why do we always pick the slow line?

Time moves so fast when you're older. No, it moves more slowly. No, it moves fast. You remember things that happened ten years ago as if they happened yesterday. No, it moves slowly. Every day is a tedious, endless moebius strip of boredom, punctuated only by the occasional argument. You win. This talk feels like it's going on forever. I feel like I've been winning for a million years.

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Bond James, Bond."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Prize vegetables.

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Louis Armstrong

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."