Great-uncle Gifts

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

Old man with straw in gin.

"That should attract every over 60s cruise ship, in the area."

"I hate it when I walk into a room and forget why I went in there. Especially when it's the bathroom."

"And this is my great-uncle Harold...he was a famous escape artist!"

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

'That was your great-uncle Ludwig -- he was voted out of Europe.'

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

"My great-uncle Lupe owned a barber shop! He made a lot of money!"

"Your great-uncle Romero was a boxer. Do you know what happened to all eleven men he fought?"

"By the time Edith thought to complain about her new stairlift, she was already airborne."

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

"Bond James, Bond."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

Louis Armstrong

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Prize vegetables.

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

'Boy, the fish are really biting today, aren't they, Fred?'