Great-uncle Gifts

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

Old man with straw in gin.

"That should attract every over 60s cruise ship, in the area."

"I hate it when I walk into a room and forget why I went in there. Especially when it's the bathroom."

"And this is my great-uncle Harold...he was a famous escape artist!"

'That was your great-uncle Ludwig -- he was voted out of Europe.'

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

"My great-uncle Lupe owned a barber shop! He made a lot of money!"

"Your great-uncle Romero was a boxer. Do you know what happened to all eleven men he fought?"

"By the time Edith thought to complain about her new stairlift, she was already airborne."

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Bond James, Bond."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

Prize vegetables.

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

'Boy, the fish are really biting today, aren't they, Fred?'

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

I like the Jets...I guess