Veteran Uncle Gifts

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

'Save us!'

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

"Nixon was the same way when he first got here."

'Technically, he's on a leash, so I say we let this one go.'

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

Dog traps the postman.

Four bites a second is about as fast as anyone can chew.

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

Nancy Drew Mysteries - The Later Years

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"Yes, we're supposed to sing, but not Rap!"

"I'm feeling like there's a 'good boy' on this side of the room."

"By George, that should do it - as long as we don[t bomb our own men again "

You need a new reading light

"Let's try one with your hand tucked into your shirt."

Clown baby.

'The MCC celebrate a famous victory' group of dodgy looking old English men holding drinking glasses

"I hate it when I walk into a room and forget why I went in there. Especially when it's the bathroom."

'Who called me a quack?' (boy has duck on his knee in vet's surgery).

President Grant's Civil Service Reform is not to the Taste of Either Party, despite Professed Enthusiasm

"Russia's always bigger than you think."

"My great-uncle Lupe owned a barber shop! He made a lot of money!"

With Jury Duty for All

'I'd say that was just the thing to wear on a visit to an 80-year old uncle in Texas who's going to leave you five million dollars.'

"'Golden' years, my a**...."

Lesser Known Historical Figures: The Steno at the First Thanksgiving Dinner.

'That was your great-uncle Ludwig -- he was voted out of Europe.'

I'm beginning to regret the hearing aids.