Veteran Uncle Gifts

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

'Save us!'

'Technically, he's on a leash, so I say we let this one go.'

"Nixon was the same way when he first got here."

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

Four bites a second is about as fast as anyone can chew.

Dog traps the postman.

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

Nancy Drew Mysteries - The Later Years

"I'm feeling like there's a 'good boy' on this side of the room."

"Yes, we're supposed to sing, but not Rap!"

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

"By George, that should do it - as long as we don[t bomb our own men again "

You need a new reading light

"Let's try one with your hand tucked into your shirt."

Clown baby.

'Who called me a quack?' (boy has duck on his knee in vet's surgery).

'The MCC celebrate a famous victory' group of dodgy looking old English men holding drinking glasses

"I hate it when I walk into a room and forget why I went in there. Especially when it's the bathroom."

"Russia's always bigger than you think."

Lesser Known Historical Figures: The Steno at the First Thanksgiving Dinner.

With Jury Duty for All

"My great-uncle Lupe owned a barber shop! He made a lot of money!"

"'Golden' years, my a**...."

'That was your great-uncle Ludwig -- he was voted out of Europe.'

'I'd say that was just the thing to wear on a visit to an 80-year old uncle in Texas who's going to leave you five million dollars.'

I'm beginning to regret the hearing aids.