Elderly Uncle Pillows

Take Your Pills!

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

You need a new reading light

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

"I really love grandma and all, but she stinks of vape."

Four bites a second is about as fast as anyone can chew.

'Accelerate! Coffin Dodgers Crossing.'

Man's aching body makes all the noise in the library.

'I'd say that was just the thing to wear on a visit to an 80-year old uncle in Texas who's going to leave you five million dollars.'

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

'My 70th...hmmm.. that's shelter, food and sex out of the way. I guess it's time to move on to life's next challenge; mastery over my environment.'

Despite years of asking people to not wear out his name, eventually ****** was left with nothing but nubs.

Man looks at the bills of mortality in the morning paper and feels unwell

I'm beginning to regret the hearing aids.

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Bond James, Bond."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

Prize vegetables.

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."