Lonely Uncle Pillows

"Since the kids moved out and the wife left, my only connection is with Bluetooth."

Christmas on your own

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Bond James, Bond."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

Louis Armstrong

Prize vegetables.

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

'Boy, the fish are really biting today, aren't they, Fred?'

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"His first out-of-body experience."

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."