Humorous Uncle Pillows

"I'm feeling like there's a 'good boy' on this side of the room."

'What are you implying.'

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

"Soon you'll be sucking your thumb AND tying your shoes...they call it multitasking."

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'Technically, he's on a leash, so I say we let this one go.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

Dog traps the postman.

'Sorry Ben, I never noticed the baby-sitting clause in the stud contract.'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

'Say... I just had no idea the red haired freckled dutchmen were so good with kids!'

"Edgar's very politically engaged ever since he began using his vote as an anger management tool."

"Yes, we're supposed to sing, but not Rap!"

'Y'know it started as a bedtime story he told his kids.'

'Who called me a quack?' (boy has duck on his knee in vet's surgery).

'The MCC celebrate a famous victory' group of dodgy looking old English men holding drinking glasses

Pianist.

"Russia's always bigger than you think."

"No sense of smell, ears plugged and eyes fixed on their phones. I'm telling you, if I weren't domesticated I'd be all over that."

President Grant's Civil Service Reform is not to the Taste of Either Party, despite Professed Enthusiasm

Santa Claus walks dogs

Little known fact #244: Cholera was not the #1 cause of death for children on the Oregon Trail

99 Dalmations - Edited for television.

Plaids set man apart from the lower animals

"Museum directory: Male statues with big d**ks. Female statues with huge tits & fat butts."

At the Old Bikers' Home

'Enough, George... I let you get the stupid pool. I'm not going to cut your dinner into little pieces and dump it in.'

"My report is on the three branches of government - checks, balances, and subpoenas."

These are the quills used to sign the Declaration of Independence! The founding feathers!

'Old Fred spoils that pooch of his!'

'I'm not here!'

'I bet he buried something really big there.'