Funny Uncle Pillows

Little known fact #244: Cholera was not the #1 cause of death for children on the Oregon Trail

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

'I'm not here!'

'Enough, George... I let you get the stupid pool. I'm not going to cut your dinner into little pieces and dump it in.'

'I like to humor him.'

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Bond James, Bond."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

Prize vegetables.

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

'Boy, the fish are really biting today, aren't they, Fred?'

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"His first out-of-body experience."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'