Funny Family Member Pillows

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

Bathroom Fairy

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"Two boys from legal to see you."

How witness protection really works...

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

'I'm glad you're getting so into science, son, but you'll have to ask your teacher about this... jjunnetics thing.'

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"Mum can you come home quick, dad's started to make an exhibition of himself again!"

'Now dear, it may be Thanksgiving, but stop referring to your aunt's gallbladder as a giblet.'

"Before we begin, I think you should all know that I once smoked a reefer in 1935."

'Are you sure you didn't swallow your cell phone? I keep getting a dial tone.'

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

Adult Absence Notes.

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

'I don't know what these dots are ... but ya mind if I connect them?'

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

'Daddy-if we didn't have Mummy how would you know how to drive?'

"I didn't say he was housebroken. I said he broke up the house."

"Rex doesn't shake. He's a bit of a germaphobe."

'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'

'If you haven't been taking your vitamins. What have you been doing with them?'