Lighthearted Family Member Pillows

'I don't know what these dots are ... but ya mind if I connect them?'

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

PET THEORIES

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

Shall I be mother?

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

Husband and Child in Pram

"Whadd ya wanna be for Halloween, Bro?"

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

'Please feel free to tell me if Junior is in your way...'

"Since he retired I try and give him something to do around the house."

"I can't use the computer tonight -- Dad has to scroll to his year of birth."

"No, I thought YOU put the picnic basket in the car."

"Dangerous? Nah, I could count on one hand the number of times he's bitten me."

'Tell dad he did a lousy paint job.'

Don't move Grandma! I'm decorating you for the holidays.

Most egregious misuse of Commons speaking time.

Television Baseball

"I see there's been an improvement in your athlete's foot."

"You just had to ask him how he was doing, didn't you?"

'Yes, some mornings I do wake up grumpy - but only if he's oversleeping'

"Nice try, Amber. . . but you know it is your Bath time, not Trixie's!"

"In honor of you being a great mom, I've decided to be good. This is only temporary, as I'm only human."

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

"Hey kids! - look what I found at the local animal shelter!"

'Very funny!'

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

"A bum steer... Must be from your side of the family."

'A-D-D...are these your grades or your diagnosis?'