Lighthearted Family Member Mugs

'I don't know what these dots are ... but ya mind if I connect them?'

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

PET THEORIES

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

Shall I be mother?

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

"Have you been bathing in moonlight?"

Husband and Child in Pram

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

"Whadd ya wanna be for Halloween, Bro?"

'Please feel free to tell me if Junior is in your way...'

"Since he retired I try and give him something to do around the house."

"I can't use the computer tonight -- Dad has to scroll to his year of birth."

"No, I thought YOU put the picnic basket in the car."

"Dangerous? Nah, I could count on one hand the number of times he's bitten me."

Most egregious misuse of Commons speaking time.

Don't move Grandma! I'm decorating you for the holidays.

'Tell dad he did a lousy paint job.'

"I see there's been an improvement in your athlete's foot."

Television Baseball

'Yes, some mornings I do wake up grumpy - but only if he's oversleeping'

"Nice try, Amber. . . but you know it is your Bath time, not Trixie's!"

"You just had to ask him how he was doing, didn't you?"

"In honor of you being a great mom, I've decided to be good. This is only temporary, as I'm only human."

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

'Very funny!'

"Hey kids! - look what I found at the local animal shelter!"

This was so fun! And now I'm going to call your mommy in here so I can go get a glass of wine. Amy's aunternal instincts kick in.

I hope I didn't hear you correctly, Lance. Actually, I hope so too, Gloria.

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

"A bum steer... Must be from your side of the family."