Family Member With A Sense Of Humor Pillows

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

Jewish Mama Lightbulb Insertion

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

'Your wife has given birth to the blues.'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

PET THEORIES

Camel rider sees sign stating: The Next Mirage 16 miles.

'I must be going through a mid-life crisis.'

At the mobile tracking test lab.

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

Family Butcher.

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

"Look, Mommy. Puppy already knows a trick! What should we call him?" "How about 'Scooter.'"

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

'I don't know what these dots are ... but ya mind if I connect them?'

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

Don't move Grandma! I'm decorating you for the holidays.

Most egregious misuse of Commons speaking time.

Um, General Hannibal, a word if I may...

The Wellington Statue.

Mobile Phone Mobile.

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

Television Baseball

"I married a girl with two mums and ended up with two mothers-in-law."