Family Member With A Sense Of Humor Pillows

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

Jewish Mama Lightbulb Insertion

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'Your wife has given birth to the blues.'

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

Camel rider sees sign stating: The Next Mirage 16 miles.

PET THEORIES

At the mobile tracking test lab.

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'I must be going through a mid-life crisis.'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

Family Butcher.

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

"Look, Mommy. Puppy already knows a trick! What should we call him?" "How about 'Scooter.'"

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

'I don't know what these dots are ... but ya mind if I connect them?'

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

Mobile Phone Mobile.

Don't move Grandma! I'm decorating you for the holidays.

The Wellington Statue.

Um, General Hannibal, a word if I may...

Most egregious misuse of Commons speaking time.

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

Television Baseball