Family Humor Appreciator Pillows

"Faster, Daddy! Faster!"

'Just for me. My mother-in-law is coming to visit.'

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"

'We don't need a designated driver if we're drinking root beer.'

'Dad, what's a wimp?'

'You're no son of mine!'

"My son's a dope addict, his wife's a dope"

"Gosh grandma, you must be over a million in dog years!"

"See, you're wrong. According to your ultrasound, you did ask to be born."

"I married a girl with two mums and ended up with two mothers-in-law."

'Your dad bought you makeup for your birthday....try to act pleasantly surprised.'

'Put it under something.'

'You did a great job explaining the 'birds and bees.' Try your hand at the 'empty nest.''

'My father and mother never argue. My father doesn't live here.'

'God bless you, Mom, and God bless the cat - you sneezed on him.'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

"Look, Mommy. Puppy already knows a trick! What should we call him?" "How about 'Scooter.'"

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

Suffering from Cooties?

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

Dad Trophies

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

Rabies on board - a couple of rabid babies.

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"So kids, you got work from your teachers right?"

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"