Lover Of Family Humor Pillows

"Tell your grandfather how much you like his present and ask him if he still has the receipt."

'Mum.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

Suffering from Cooties?

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

Dad Trophies

Rabies on board - a couple of rabid babies.

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

"So kids, you got work from your teachers right?"

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."