Relative Who Loves Humor Pillows

Cats. Not the play.

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

PET THEORIES

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

'Honey, I'm Rome!'

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"

"Every time I tie my shoes, the laces come undone...I think it's a conspiracy!"

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."