Relative Who Loves Humor Pillows

Cats. Not the play.

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

PET THEORIES

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"

"Every time I tie my shoes, the laces come undone...I think it's a conspiracy!"