Lighthearted Parent Pillows

'A-D-D...are these your grades or your diagnosis?'

'Tell dad he did a lousy paint job.'

Husband and Child in Pram

"Well it's not a spider wriggling and tiggling inside you."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Look Mommy, hat!"

'She's just great with the children.'

"Mom! Don't think of me as covered with sand. Think of me as sugar coated."

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

Pappa clown views offspring in maternity window.

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

"Werewolves of London..."

Baby tells other Baby to call.

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

'Care to gaze upon the peaceful blanket of snow before I send the kids out?'

'Your wife has given birth to the blues.'

'If you can keep him clean for a day you can sleep in his bed tonight.'

What do you want, the moon on a stick?

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."

Circus Act

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"Well, my dog cleans himself that way!"

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

'Look Daddy: I'm wearing Mummy's shoes...'

'I must be going through a mid-life crisis.'

Real Estate Krisp Flakes: Location! Location! Location!

"Wheeeeeeee!"

"Hell, Mom! How's it look?!" "Holy mackerel."