Funny Family Member T-Shirts

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

Bathroom Fairy

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"Two boys from legal to see you."

How witness protection really works...

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

'I'm glad you're getting so into science, son, but you'll have to ask your teacher about this... jjunnetics thing.'

"Mum can you come home quick, dad's started to make an exhibition of himself again!"

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

Great job on the color! Thanks. It looks totally natural. Hi, Twig! Hey. Success! She didn't notice. "Mom dyed her hair with Gatorade."

"Before we begin, I think you should all know that I once smoked a reefer in 1935."

'Now dear, it may be Thanksgiving, but stop referring to your aunt's gallbladder as a giblet.'

'Are you sure you didn't swallow your cell phone? I keep getting a dial tone.'

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

Adult Absence Notes.

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'I don't know what these dots are ... but ya mind if I connect them?'

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

"Rex doesn't shake. He's a bit of a germaphobe."

"I didn't say he was housebroken. I said he broke up the house."

'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'

'Daddy-if we didn't have Mummy how would you know how to drive?'