Document Decoder Gifts

The Bureaucrats

"It says to sign, and then print my name... can I use the school printer?"

'It's a good tax document conceptually, but your jargon's weak.'

'It's not encrypted, Captain. That's just the clerk's usual typing.'

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

Information vs. confusion

'Decoding is often 1, 14, 20, 9, 3, 12, 9, 13, 1, 3, 20, 9, 3.'

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

'I can't remember the title,but it was on a little white piece of paper.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

Files of Doom

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

'I'll be right with you after I've checked my messages, dear...'

'You can read, right? -- I want you to check this thing for loopholes.'

Toughing it out in the real estate game.

"I'm not sure she really liked our gift. She used just two exclamation points after 'Thanks'."

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

'It's this one here, that I don't understand.'

"You got my text... but did you get my subtext?"

"I can't understand how it got lost - I haven't filed it yet"

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

Punk Rock

"Hey, got your message. Just wanted to let you know you spelled 'desperately' wrong."

'I have here secret government documents that describe the events leading up to Custer's Last Stand.'

"This is my voice mail."

"Mr Yomp is in a big hurry, so give him 'speedy runaround number 39'..."

Man marks documents as 'Illegal', 'Sweet Spot' and 'Legal'.

'No, no, no...that's far too legible. Shakier. Much shakier!'

'I'm now ready to make my own way in the world. But first, can you guys loan me 200 grand to pay off my student loan?'

"He died from eyestrain...read every prospectus they ever sent him."

Marooned Optometrist

"Do you accept these terms and conditions?"

"There's a loophole in there somewhere, Haskins. Pretends it's truffle."