Data Decoder Gifts

Information vs. confusion

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

'I know! It's what I had last night for dinner.'

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

Complexity Made Simple.

DIY horror.

'I sense this may not be a one-way journey.'

'It's not encrypted, Captain. That's just the clerk's usual typing.'

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

'He's one of those genetically-altered antibodies.'

'Decoding is often 1, 14, 20, 9, 3, 12, 9, 13, 1, 3, 20, 9, 3.'

"Yes, human DNA is very close to ours, but obviously, they're missing the nucleotide necessary for caring for the environment. . ."

'Yes, it is a carrot. You haven't been getting enough fibre.'

"The are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't."

Mixed marriage: food fight

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

'I'll be right with you after I've checked my messages, dear...'

DNA explained.

"I sure do have a family. There's my wife's DNA and my kid's DNA."

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

Gin-etic Engineering

'It's this one here, that I don't understand.'

'...we were able to hide some rather significant losses.'

"You got my text... but did you get my subtext?"

'You needn't worry about confidentiality. Your medical records were carefully transferred to computer and accidently trashed.'

"It says to sign, and then print my name... can I use the school printer?"

"Hey, got your message. Just wanted to let you know you spelled 'desperately' wrong."

'Our techies assure us no one stole the data. There were no hackers involved. We just lost it, all by ourselves.'

"This is my voice mail."

'I'm now ready to make my own way in the world. But first, can you guys loan me 200 grand to pay off my student loan?'

Marooned Optometrist