Diagnosis Decoder Gifts

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

'I know! It's what I had last night for dinner.'

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

Complexity Made Simple.

DIY horror.

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

"The quicksand was corporate's idea. I wanted to fire you for going over my head. They wanted to send a message."

'People who can read Venn diagrams...'

Information vs. confusion

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

'Decoding is often 1, 14, 20, 9, 3, 12, 9, 13, 1, 3, 20, 9, 3.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"I hope this makes it clearer!"

'I'll be right with you after I've checked my messages, dear...'

M.D. Mrs. Hoskins is here to match wits with you regarding her symptoms.

"Interesting diagnosis. Now let's ask Google for a second opinion, shall we?"

'...we were able to hide some rather significant losses.'

'It's this one here, that I don't understand.'

"You got my text... but did you get my subtext?"

"Well, you helped me with my initial health issue, but now I've got headaches from dealing with billing and insurance!"

'You needn't worry about confidentiality. Your medical records were carefully transferred to computer and accidently trashed.'

Before graduating, students at Flegburn High were required to read their diplomas out loud.

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

"Hey, got your message. Just wanted to let you know you spelled 'desperately' wrong."

'Our techies assure us no one stole the data. There were no hackers involved. We just lost it, all by ourselves.'

"This is my voice mail."

'No, no, no...that's far too legible. Shakier. Much shakier!'

'I'm now ready to make my own way in the world. But first, can you guys loan me 200 grand to pay off my student loan?'

Marooned Optometrist

Text/Subtext Message

'It's from the bloke on the other island. It reads; Help. I'm stranded on a desert island.'

"I would be bilingual if you were bilingual!"